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This is a second draft of the original 1996 rough
draft. The only major changes were a few extended scenes involving action, most
noticably the Patriot Woman's surveilance of Allison's house.
Closet Space #2, Draft #2 - "Rocket's Red Flare"
(c)1993, 1996 Jennifer Dolari.
Original Story by Jennifer Dolari.
To be adapted by Dov Sherman with Jennifer Dolari.
Artwork by Dov Sherman.
PANEL 1 - CARRIE is waking up in bed, stretching and yawning. She has
noticeable beard stubble. A clock on the nightstand reads 9:00AM and a tune is
coming out of the radio. There are still unpacked boxes and bags about the
room.
PANEL 2 - ALLISON is walking down the hallway past Carrie's door with a basket
of laundry.
PANEL 3 - Just as Allison passes the door, Carrie opens it. Carrie is still
extremely groggy.
PANEL 4 - Allison talks to Carrie without actually turning towards her, Carrie
is opening the bathroom door, directly across.
ALLISON
Morning, Carrie! Got any
dirty clothes?
CARRIE
Grnslpht...
PANEL 5 - Allison turns around just as Carrie slams the bathroom door.
ALLISON
I'll take that as a yes.
PANEL 6 - Carrie is at the bathroom sink, groggy, turning spigots as the sink
fills with water.
ALLISON
(off screen)
If you make lunch, I'll
do your laundry. Deal?
CARRIE
Blsnpht...
PANEL 7 - Close up of Carrie's cheek with hand running down it. A terrible
"SHRIP" is audible as the hand mns across the beard stubble.
ALLISON
(off screen)
Great! Make something
spicy...you can cook
can't you?
PANEL 8 - Carrie looks into the mirror, realizing that she's been walking
around with beard stubble.
CARRIE
(whispering)
Oh, shit....
PANEL 9 - Carrie's POV as she looks down into the sink, there's soap and water, but
no razor blade.
CARRlE
(whispering)
and no razor, either...
PANEL 10 - Camera is on Carrie's eye as it peeks through the open crack of the
door.
PANEL 11 - Allison is gathering some clothes fmm Carrie's floor.
ALLISON
You'd think at least
she'd pick up some of her
clothes...yeesh...
PANEL 12 - Same as PANEL 10
CARRIE
Allison? Can you hand me
my razor, please? It
should be in my purse!
PANEL 13 - Allison pulls the razor out of Carrie's purse.
ALLISON
No problem! I know that
horrible feeling of
stubbly legs. Yuck...
PANEL 14 - Allison gives the razor to Carrie's outstretched hand, sticking out
the bathroom door.
CARRIE
(through door)
Yeah.. stubbly...
(beat)
Thanks.
PANEL 15 - Allison goes back to picking up Carrie's clothes. Through the
window you can see a shadow sitting in the tree
ALLISON
I think I'd better take
better care of my legs, too...
PANEL 16 - Allison from above, through binocular lenses
ALLISON
(through
"electronic"
box)
...never know when you
might get a new love
interest, a date, or a
hot day.
PATRIOT WOMAN
(Off screen)
The traitor's insight...
PANEL 17 - The PATRIOT WOMAN in full camouflage perched up in a tree with
binoculars.
PATRIOT WOMAN
...the Provisional
Government will give me
an award for her head...
PANEL 18 - Patriot Woman takes off her binoculars and looks straight ahead, in
thought.
PATRIOT WQMAN ...maybe even a seat on
the War Council!
PANEL 19 - She looks up into the sky seeing a black helicopter.
PATRIOT WOMAN
Great, the One Worid
Order Helicopters are
onto me!
PANEL 19A - The Patriot Woman jumps oft the branch with a rustle.
PANEL 19B - Allison looks through the window with a start at the rustling
sound.
PANEL 19C - Allison goes back to picking up clothes.
ALLISON
Hmph...Must've been a
bird....
PANEL 19D - Patriot Woman runs across the roofs of houses, looking back at the
helicopter.
PATRIOT WOMAN
(shouting)
You are with the United
Nations! You have no
authority here!
PANEL 20 - From the interior of the helicopter, a radio DJ is giving a traffic
report.
DJ
This is KZXY Eye in the
Sky reporting a traffic
jam at the 411 cut off at
282. It's backed up to
the Municipal Dam, watch
out if you're headed in
that area.
PANEL 21 - The DJ looks down through another window towards a heavily armed
figure running from rooftop to rooftop.
PATRIOT WOMAN
(Small letters
to denote FAR
OFF)
No Jurisdiction!
DJ
And if you're in the King
Buckley's district, be on
the lookout for a running
woman trouncing around
the rooftops of your
homes...up next on KZXY,
"Cooking with Charlie and
Nash!"
PANEL 22 - The DJ tums to the pilot, both with a laugh, and shields his
microphone.
DJ
(laughing)
That's the third time
this week!
PANEL 23 - Letters smack on a coffee table.. among them are a bill from the
IRS, several notes from her bank that look like NSF notices, credit card
cancellation notices and the like.
PANEL 24 - The Patriot Woman sits on a sofa in front of her coffee table,
frustrated and at her wits end. The room is decorated in American Flags,
copies of the Constitution, guns on the wall along with all sorts of war
memorabilia. There is a picture of Jimmy Carter on the wall with several
darts punctured in it, none in the center.
PATRIOT WOMAN
Bills, BILLS, BILLS!
PANEL 25 - She picks up one of the bills and reads.
PATRIOT WOMAN
(reading)
"According to our
records, you owe
$1,256.13 on your income
tax."
(beat)
You are an illegal
organization, created
above the law of the
Constitution.
(beat)
No money for you.
PANEL 26 - She picks up another, smaller bill.
PATRIOT WOMAN
(reads)
"Your account is
overdrawn by $125.98.
Please make a deposit as
soon as possible."
(beat)
I need to hurry up and
collect those liens I put
against Mr. Kavinsky
before they close my
account.
PANEL 26A - The Patriot Woman picks up a picture of a man dressed in Army
fatigues. She's very enamored of him
PATRIOT WOMAN
Phil, if there ever was a
time I needed you...so
much has gone from bad to
worse. I have such great
plans so you may sleep
peacefully for etemity...
PANEL 27 - She walks over to her a map, complete with arrows pointing in
strategic assaults on the local city hall, and Allison's house is circled on
the map.
PATRIOT WOMAN
But that'll all have to
wait...
PANEL 27A - Allison looks into an empty kitchen.
PATRIOT WOMAN
(in an
isolated
box)
I've got a traitor to
exterminate.
ALLISON
No, lunch eh?
PANEL 28 - Carrie is getting dressed with Becky sitting across from her.
Becky is very worried, Carrie is concentrating on rolling up some thigh high
nylons. In the corner, near her bed is an umbrella holder, with an umbrella
whose handle is in the shape of a question mark.
BECKY
...and Dad hasn't said a
word about you since you
left. Mom's feeling
horrible too...she
misses you terribly.
PANEL 28A - Close up of Carrie, still rolling her nylons.
CARRIE
Well, I've tried to call
since yesterday...Dad
picks up the phone and as
soon as hears my voice,
he hangs up.
PANEL 29 - Carrie is looking down at her foot a she puts on some knee highs.
Allison has appeared in the doorway.
ALLISON
You two headed out?
CARRIE
Yeah, we're both headed
to a movie before my vacation ends.
PANEL 30 - The whole scene reverses, so that we can see the far wall. There is
a rather large oak dresser below the window.
ALLISON
So, what happened to
lunch?
CARRIE
Huh?
ALLISON
In exchange for me doing
your laundry!
CARRIE
Ohhhhh...
PANEL 31 - Same as 30, but Allison's is a bit.. miffed... you can see the top
of someone's head staring though the window.
CARRIE
I wondered who got my
clothes.. .did you ask me
about lunch this morning?
ALLISON
Yes, right after you woke
up.
PANEL 32 - Same as 30, but there is no head in the window.
CARRlE
Well, there ya go! I
don't remember anything
until after I took my
shower! I can never wake
up....
PANEL 33 - Same as 30, but the window has broken and a rock with a note is
flying through.
PANEL 34 - Becky reaches for the rock as Carrie and Allison go towards the
window.
PANEL 35 - Becky reads the note as Carrie and Allison look through the window.
BECKY
Guys, the note says
"duck."
PANEL 36 - Carrie and Allison look at Becky quizically.
CARRIE &
ALLISON
Duck?
PANEL 37 - Carrie and Allison look at each other horrified.
CARRIE &
ALLISON
DUCK!!!!
PANEL 38 - Carrie, Allison and Becky dive for cover as the back wall explodes
open.
PANEL 39 - From the next door neightbors house, TWO EXTREMELY OLD PEOPLE are
sitting across each other eating lunch. They look at each other. Through the
window a huge hole has been opened in the house next door, which we can see
Carrie, Allison and Becky lying in rubble deep in the back of the room. The
Patriot Woman is clung against the wall, trying not to be seen. Guns bristle
from all over her.
OLD WOMAN
Did you hear something go
boom, Chauncy?
CHAUNCY
Damn kids and their
music.
OLD WOMAN
Call the cops....
PANEL 40 - Dust is settling from the hole as the Patriot Woman enters, guns
drawn, Terminator style through the dust.
FATRIOT WOMAN
TRAITORS! COME OUT AND
PLAY!
PANEL 41 - The huge oak dresser has been pushed by the blast three quarters of
the way across the room, behind which is Becky, Carrie and Allison. The
Patriot Woman has her guns drawn, and the three girls are gently peeking over
the dresser.
CARRIE
Who's that?
ALLISON
Looks like someone I
interviewed for a
roomate...just before I
picked you.
PANEL 42 - Carrie looks over to Allison.
CARRIE
Should I have feared for
my life if you had
decided NOT to take me
in?
PANEL 43 - Pull back to reveal Becky frantically punching buttons on the
phone.
ALLISON
After I said no, she just
up and left...I didn't do
anything to piss her off!
(beat)
I think....
PANEL 44 - Becky is talking into the phone.
PHONE
(electronic
box)
Thank you for calling the
Metropolitan 911
Emergency phone system.
BECKY
Yes, we need assitance at
1395 Mulberry Street
immediately. Send a SWAT
team!
PANEL 45 - Becky looks into the phone quizzically
PHONE
(electronic
box)
If you'd like
instructions in English,
press "1." Necesites
ayuda en Espanol, toce
"2." If you'd like to
press "3," press "5." To
repeat this menu, press
"#" followed by a "1,"
and "7"
PANEL 46 - Becky and Allison are talking, while Carrie is looking at the
ground for a weapon.
ALLISON
Didja get through?
BECKY
I think it's going to be
a Iong time before we get
ANYTHING.
PANEL 47 - From behind Becky and Allison looking up at the Patriot Woman, the
Patriot Woman is shoving an M-16 down, pointed directly at Allison.
PANEL 48 - Allison, staring directly up at the Patriot Woman. With Carrie and
Becky off to the sides, in fear." Allison has a pissed off look on her face.
ALLISON
Scatter.
PANEL 49 - Carrie and Becky have puzzled looks on their faces.
CARRIE &
BECKY
Huh?
PANEL 50 - Same as 48
ALLISON
MOVE!
PANEL 51 - Becky flies up, still holding the phone
PANEL 51A - Carrie dives under her bed.
PANEL 52 - The Patriot woman shifts her view to Becky, who is in the middle of
a one handed somersault (the other hand has the phone, and she's got the
reciever wedged between her shoulder and ear).
PANEL 53 - Becky does a cartwheel, there are bullets appearing behind her.
PANEL 54 - Becky does a forward flip. The phone cord gets tighter.
PANEL 55 - Becky does a roll. The cord is even tighter.
PANEL 56 - Becky attempts a somersault, but her hand gets pulled from her as
the phone cord draws taut.
PANEL 57 - Becky stumbles to the floor, in the Patriot Woman's sight.
PANEL 58 - She pulls the trigger
PANEL 59 - The phone gets riddled with bullets
PANEL 60 - Allison uncharactersticly gets aggressive, venting her rage
directly to the Patriot Woman
ALLISON
STOP IT!
PANEL 61 - Allison goes around the dresser, as Becky is in the background,
frantically pushing buttons on the phone while trying to crawl under Carrie's
bed as Carrie motions to her.
ALLISON
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU
HAVE AGAINST ME....
PANEL 62 - Allison walks right up to the PAtriot Woman
ALLISON
...BUT YOU HAVE IT
AGAINST ME!
PANEL 63 - She gets in the PAtriot Woman's face.
ALLISON
NOT MY FRIENDS!
PANEL 64 - She grabs the Patriots Woman lapels
ALLISON
NOT MY HOUSE!
PANEL 65 - Allison pulls the Patriot Woman's face closer
ALLISON
BUT ME!
PANEL 65 - The same, except that the PAtriot Woman's M-16 is pulled into shot
PATRIOT WOMAN
You forget who's the one
with the ammo.
PANEL 66 - Same
ALLISON
Well, at least before you
kill me, you can tell me
why.
PANEL 67 - The Patriot Woman throws Allison opposite from the bed.
PANEL 68 - From Allison's POV
PATRIOT WOMAN
Because you didn't pick
me as your roommate. And
by turning me away, you
turn away America.
You're a subversive, like
all those people on
Capitol Hill.
PANEL 69 - Now from over the Patriot's shoulder down to Allison's position.
Allison is shocked.
PATRlOT WOMAN
You didn't pick me,
because you're against
me. You're an agent of
the One Worid Order. You
will not have our
sovreignity as long as I
live.
PANEL 70 - From the barrel up to the PAtriot Woman who cocks her M-16 at
Allison
PATRIOT WOMAN
Because of your kind, my
husband is dead, my job
is lost, and I'm poor
beyond reason.
PANEL 71 - Allison notices Carrie who has the umbrella from the umbrella
holder and is giving Allison a thumbs up.
PATRIOT WOMAN
Now, rebel scum, prepare
to die.
PANEL 72 - Allison looks up at the Patriot Woman, and desperately tries to buy
time.
ALLISON
WAIT! Tell me about your
husband!
PANEL 73 - The Patriot Woman looks away from her site, looking confused.
PANEL 74 - Same as 72
ALLISON
What was he like?
PANEL 75 - The PAtriot Woman looks "past" Allison, an image of her husband and
herself walking down a ghettoed neighborhood.
PATRlOT WOMAN
Phil? He was a lovely
man...always giving,
never taking. He was an
Army man, stationed in a
town where the base
wasn't in such a nice
spot.
PANEL 76 - Profile of the Patriot Woman with the gates of Merkling Air Force
Base in the background.
PATRIOT WOMAN
The base was in a
horrible spot in town, we
simply hated the
surroundings.. .the
people hated each
other...everything was
wrong. But he was so nice
to them.. .to me...
ALLISON
He sounds like a
beautiful man.
PANEL 77 - We face the Patriot Woman, where there are several gans teens
behind her shooting unmercifully past her.
PATRIOT WOMAN
Then one day, as we were
walking back to base, we
were held up...he GAVE
his money and shot him
way.
PANEL 78 - The Patriot Woman prays beside the tombstone of her husband
PATRIOT WOMAN
If those damned Senators
hadn't put the base
there, he'd be alive
right now...but they knew
he'd be killed. It was
part of their plan for
the One World Order.
ANEL 79 - Allison has become part of the picture, she's listening intently to
the story. In the Background is a corproate building with a front door.
PATRIOT WOMAN
And then, to make matters
worse, the Japanese
bought our company.
Those damn bastards fired
nearly all of us and kept
only a skeleton crew
there.
PANEL 80 - Allison is now in a reasurring position, where she is holding the
Patriot Woman's shoulders. Tha background shows her at the front door, facing
out, loaded down with boxes.
PATRIOT WOMAN
The traitors in Congress
passed all their little
resolutions against me.
Against the common people.
Aganist America. It's
their fault I'm where I
am now.
PANEL 81 - Allison is still in the reassuring position and sitting on the
bed with the Patriot Woman who is now crying.
PATRlOT WOMAN
...their fault.. it's all
their fault....
PANEL 82 - Carrie turns to Becky under the bed
CARRIE
What a load of crap.
PANEL 83 - Allison Stands with the uncontrollably sobbing Patriot Woman
ALLISON
Come on, we'll go get you
some help. I'll get you
anything you need.
Anything that'Il help...
PANEL 84 - Carrie attempts to trip the Patriot Woman
PANEL 85 - Allison notices the umbrella and scolds Carrie
ALLISON
Carrie, no!
PANEL 86 - Allison looks at the PAtriot Woman who is sobbing.
ALLISON
She's had enough troubles
in her life for now.
PANEL 87 - Close up of the front door as Allison opens it
ALLISON
Don't worry, we'll have
everything worked out..
somehow.
PANEL 88 - Pull back to reveal SWAT team members waiting on either side of the
door, ready to pounce.
PATRIOT WOMAN
You know... I'm really
sorry about all this..
there was just so much
going on and...
PANEL 89 - A SWAT member pounces on the Patriot Woman as Allison screams
ALLISON
(screaming)
NO!
PANEL 90 - The Swat member drags the Patriot Woman off to an awaiting SWAT
Van. Sh'es kicking and screaming the whole way through.
PATRIOT WOMAN
(screaming)
YOU BITCH! I KNEW I
COULDN'T TRUST YOU! I'LL
SEND YOU AND ALL YOUR
COMMIE FRIENDS TO HELL
BEFORE MY LIFE IS DONE!
PANEL 91 - A SWAT seargant walks up to a teary Allison, who is shocked that
the woman was taken away.
SWAT SEARGANT
Music Police, ma'am...we
had a report that music
was being played too
loudly in this house.
PANEL 92 - Allison takes a slip of paper the SWAT Seargant gives her without
flinching, she's still got a vacant shocked look on her face.
SWAT SEARGANT
If you could sign this
noise pollution ticket,
ma'am.
(beat)
Once we saw the
explosions and smoke, we
realized we had something
bigger on our hands....
PANEL 93 - Allison absentmindedly hands the paper back to the SWAT seargant,
still in shock.
SWAT SEARGANT
Luckily, the Music Police
is equipped to handle
these kind of situations.
ALLISON
l...wanted...to...help
her...
PANEL 94 - Allison, all alone in the garden as the SWAT Seargant walks away.
ALLISON
(to herself)
She..needed..a friend...
END
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